Acting Out by Mark Sichel, LCSW "Acting out" has become a commonly used phrase in our culture, but what do we really mean when we say it? In the strictest psychoanalytic sense, "acting out" is a term reserved for a patient in psychoanalytic therapy who is acting out their early wishes, needs and feelings toward their parents in the therapeutic setting. For example, Steve*, a young man I work with in therapy often flies into a rage with me, because he feels I judge his behavior. In fact, he had a very judgmental Dad who criticized him ruthlessly throughout his childhood. When Steve is in the room with me and working on himself, he often has difficulty with feelings and thoughts that he considers shameful. However, he "transfers" those feelings onto me, deciding that I am highly critical of his feelings and needs. With me, Steve is acting out the feelings he felt helpless to express to his father as a child. In our common parlance, "acting out" seems to have lost its original meaning. "Acting out" is used interchangeably with "behaving badly." Children are accused of acting out when they are hyperactive. The dog is accused of acting out when he barks incessantly. "Acting out" in the psychoanalytic sense is very different, because the bad behaviors of someone acting out are a direct result of stifled feelings from childhood, not symptoms of something else. So, as adults, we are better able to contend with many of our maladaptive and dysfunctional behaviors by examining how these behaviors are actually an expression of repressed feelings. Here are some examples that may be familiar to you: The adult child of a successful man who acts irresponsibly and self defeating in his life so as to spite his Dad, whom he envies and hates, but also needs for financial support. A married woman who feels deprived of affection, love and sex becomes a compulsive shopper because it both makes her feel better and more loveable and also lets her husband know how angry she feels. A high school student who knows his parents are waiting until he graduates to divorce makes sure he will not graduate by failing classes, thus keeping his parents together. The employee who wants to change jobs but has difficulty resigning gets himself fired so as to put himself in the position to look for a new job. A recovering alcoholic who starts to gamble, acting out his unconscious wishes to lose everything, just as he had when he hit rock-bottom with alcohol. A depressed person who resists treatment and remains depressed so he or she will be taken care of by their partner. As you can see, there are infinite ways in which one can act out. All acting out behaviors are typically caused by a "word deficit" -- not knowing the right words to say to convey your feelings. There are many, many things that the people in the above scenarios could have said to their loved ones that might have resolved problems without their having to resort to self-destructive behavior. Most people experience a "word deficit" when they are afraid. Fears such as: Fear of being humiliated Fear of appearing infantile Fear of self-assertion Fear of loss of love Fear of a mess in life Fear of being physically hurt Fear of being cut down If you look at your own behavior, there are perhaps many ways in which you act out. The paradox of acting out is that people seldom get what they want when they DO act out. The depressed person who wants to be taken care of gets a begrudging and resentful caregiver, who's frightened and angry about their partners' depression. Yet so often that same partner would respond with warmth and affection if their partner could simply be direct about their needs. The wife who shops compulsively to spite her husband and to make herself feel loved, might receive more love and affection if she would directly assert herself with her husband. The recovering addict would certainly benefit more from working the Steps, going to meetings, and learning to tell their sponsor what they need and want instead of taking on a secondary addiction. The fact that "acting out" has become a phrase carelessly tossed around in common usage makes the phrase seem harmless. In fact, we must be very aware of our "acting out" behaviors, for they rarely get us what we want and they often hurt our loved ones and our selves. *The names of all clients have been changed to protect their identities.                    RECOMMENDED READING FROM THE PSYSTORE: Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace by Janet Geringer Woititz Our Price: $8.05 "If you have been losing jobs despite working 'very hard,' and you are an ACoA, this is the book that will finally answer the big question of 'why!' ACoA's, as explained succinctly yet in detail by Woititz, have ingrained patterns of behavior that result in problems on the job. We can identify these patterns, come to understand where they came from, and finally, do something to change them!" -- Amazon.com User Review For a selection of books on this topic, visit the Psystore. ** All prices subject to change without notice