March is Self-Assertion Month! by Mark Sichel, LCSW March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. That is how the story goes, and today, March 1, 2000 in New York City, our weather does not exactly resemble a lion or a lamb. It is actually partly sunny, seasonably warm and mildly windy -- all qualities reminiscent of assertive behavior, and inconsistent with the behaviors of lions or lambs. Let's all share our conviction that our ability to get what we want and need does not have to resemble the vicious king of the beasts nor the meek lamb being led to the slaughter. The central problem people have with asserting themselves is exactly akin to the lions and lambs analogy, particularly for those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families. How many of us can relate to memories of one parent threatening the family with their bullying behavior, trying to intimidate and scare everyone into compliance with their demands? What about another parent begging the bully parent to please behave, pleading with them to not lose control, get violent or otherwise scare the family into submission? Here is a quick and clear explanation of the differences between "lions" and "lambs": LAMBS: Non-Assertive Behavior - People who do not stand up for their rights and allow others to trample all over them. LIONS: Aggressive Behavior - Lions stand up for their rights, but also have no qualms about squashing others' rights. SELF-ASSERTIVE PEOPLE: People who know how to assert themselves, stand up for their rights, and yet do NOT infringe on others' rights. Lions and Lambs are Flip Sides of the Same Coin Self-assertion is a very different phenomenon than we see in the behaviors of lions or lambs: Lions include: Bullies Addicts of various substances Rageaholics Abusers Perpetrators of violence Rule Breakers Bosses Contemptuous people Devaluing people Hitters Blackmailers People who threaten, coerce, and make unreasonable demands. Lambs include: People pleasers Whiners Beggars Guilt inducers Wimps People who manipulate by being pathetic Evaders Avoiders Procrastinators Pleaders Self-assertive people do not possess the above qualities. They know how to ask for what they want and they know how to insist on their needs being met without bullying or pleading. Lambs and Lions are flip sides of the same coin because they both do not know how to assert themselves, and they both generally do not get what they want. Lambs and lions have similar fears related to the outcomes of self-assertion, and they similarly make up rules that serve to avoid their fears. If you want to learn to be more assertive and leave both the lion and the lamb behind you, go through Assertiveness Training. If you want to find out more about how lions and lambs deal with obstacles in life, read The Five Styles of Avoidance of Self-Assertion.                    RECOMMENDED READING FROM THE PSYSTORE: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Assertiveness by Jeff Davidson Our Price: $13.56 "This book gives a boost to anyone who has felt paralyzed in the face of an opposing viewpoint or an imposing individual. Individuals can at last express their ideas, stand up for themselves in relationships (spouses, in-laws, kids, parents), and at work, and get attention in the business world." -- Synopsis For a selection of books on this topic, visit the Psystore. ** All prices subject to change without notice