Why do We Have Resentments?
by Mark Sichel, LCSW
As much as I would like to say that we have resentments because we've had such awful people in our lives, this is simply not the case. It's clear that our resentments are due to infantile thinking and primitive attempts at control. It is not a coincidence that people with addictive problems also have a tendency to have problems with harboring resentments as well. Resentments consume us when we forget about living according to the principles of serenity, spirituality, and sobriety.
Resentments are ways of re-experiencing feelings that we were unable to process at another time in our lives. They are mental obsessions related to the wrongs that we feel have been committed against us. Resentments come from the Supreme Court of our immature minds, where the infant chief justice has made determinations of injustice.
Resentments can be categorized in three ways. They come from:
1. What we feel people did TO US that was unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and thoughtless.
2. What people in our lives did NOT do for us that we feel they should have done.
3. When we feel the people in our lives have NOT done ENOUGH for us.
I saw an example of this process this week in my therapy office. A client who is in recovery for two years, whom we'll call Stuart*, is in a rage with his wife. Stuart was in bed at home with a bad cold when his wife, Patty, called him from a restaurant. Patty was visiting with her mother, from whom she'd been estranged for many years. Her visit was an attempt at re-building their relationship. There was torrential rain outside, and Patty had no means of getting home. She called Stuart and asked him if he would pick her and her mother up at the restaurant.
Stuart knew what a difficult situation Patty was facing in seeing her mother after all this time. He also knew that she had no other form of transportation, yet he slammed the phone down in a rage after Patty made this request. He told me how he felt: "Patty was so thoughtless to ask this of me when she knew I had a cold. I feel she should have been taking care of me, not asking me to go out in the rain. And if that wasn't enough, she didn't even apologize for asking this of me."
Stuart allowed this resentment to build for days until he finally exploded at Patty. When Patty wouldn't apologize and showed no contrition for making this request he finally went to a meeting and talked about his resentment. When he shared, he realized how unreasonable he was feeling and acting, and was able through the Fellowship to let go of this resentment. He remembered how difficult this situation was for Patty, and he finally acknowledged that Patty's request was not so unreasonable after all.
Resentments are a basic unwillingness to accept people and life on terms over which we have no control. When we're able to achieve acceptance we become more able to give up our resentments. When we fight acceptance our resentments kick in and we engage in a futile battle to change things and people that we cannot change. In the example above, Stuart did not want to accept the fact that Patty had her own struggles and needs, nor did he want to acknowledge that Patty had the right to ask a favor from him. He also saw, finally, that his infantile feelings of entitlement were what fed and nurtured his resentment toward his wife.
We cling to resentments at times because they are familiar to us, and we feel a false sense of powerfulness when we obsess about the wrongs that have been perpetrated upon us. As we build a more realistic sense of power and strength, we become better able to bury our resentments.
*The names of all clients have been changed to protect their identities.
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