When we Believe - Miracles Do Happen
by Sharon L. Holliday
I am aware of many miracles in my life today! The first is my 19-year-old daughter, who has grown into a wonderful, loving young woman. I am grateful for the gift of her unconditional love. We often speak about how she has learned from my experiences. In my recovery, she has been my anchor, and I believe that with her insight and her understanding, I am able to receive yet another miracle today.
Choices
Some years ago, I arrived in California with the intention of getting well and then returning to my family. I had to choose between staying here to remain well, or returning home and risking that the cycle would start again. I searched my soul and decided to stay and continue with my self-recovery and self-discovery. When I did not return, my husband became outraged and he divorced me. He made communication with my son impossible.
My daughter (from my first marriage) was struggling with the pressure she felt. He questioned her loyalties and played mind games with her. She became confused, and depressed. The situation became unbearable for my children, and I could not allow it to continue. My daughter felt she had no other choice but to move out. Unfortunately, my son was to remain with his father. I was not able to speak with him during this time.
After several years of constant turmoil with my son's father, I returned to the Midwest to appear in court and fight for custody. I was able to receive an immediate visit with supervision before court. When I arrived at court, joint custody was the ruling with one condition -- I return to the Midwest.
I felt if I moved back, I would be jeopardizing myself, my recovery, and my children's future. I knew that being new to recovery and not having a support system in the Midwest, I would be treading dangerous ground. I cried to God, for help! I feared I would lose my son forever and this broke my heart! I needed to find a way to share in my son's life and still keep my sanity. I returned to California, seeking safety and serenity in order to make my decision.
Acceptance
When I reflected on the visit with my son, I had feelings of comfort and relief. I was able to express my love for him, and let him know that my feelings would never change, regardless of where I live. However, once I returned to California, the games began again. All I knew at this point was that my son's well-being was suffering, and I was miserable. I became depressed and I felt defeated. Hearing his pain when I called was too much to bear. He, too, had become the trophy, and the insanity had to stop.
I turned it over to God and found peace. I accepted that I had to take care of me in order to be prepared for the time when my son would be back in my life. I realized right then that I had not been defeated. What has helped my children through the years is being able to spend time together. My daughter is able to express my love to him and this gives all of us comfort and hope.
Another year has passed since I last spoke with my son and, just recently, my daughter shared a conversation she had with her stepfather. He asked her to contact me. He wished to speak with me, concerning my son. I was fearful, but I had to know if my son was all right.
Truth
I took the risk and contacted my ex-husband. I heard peace in his voice replacing the anger that used to be there. He realizes now that my son's needs are what are important. He wants our son to be happy and knows that, without his mother sharing his life, he will not be. We both agreed that with time, patience, and honest communication, we would be able to work together for our son.
I then spoke with my son and, hearing his voice, my heart soared. I finally felt complete. My hope is to rebuild a relationship with my son. I know I cannot get back the years we have missed, however, we can start with today. For whatever reason he was able to reach out to my daughter, I will always be grateful.
I always believed that when I was ready to share in my son's life, God would help me find a way! This gave me the courage I needed to continue working in my recovery. I believed that I had always done what was best for my children. God walked me through the footwork and I believed. I remember now that when I am consistent with my behavior, miracles can happen if I am present to receive them.
Copyright 1999 Sharon L. Holliday
Originally published by Healant Inc. on AOL Addiction and Recovery Forum
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