Rigorous Honesty - From Hoarding Truth to Sharing Secrets by Judy Shepps Battle, MA "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." These words from the "How it Works" chapter of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous are often the opening reading at many recovery meetings. It's arguably one of the few times that 12-Step programs admit that failure is possible. Every time those words are read, a shadow of fear crosses over me. I get a mental picture of myself, unable to sustain my drive to the recovery goal line. I'm sitting dejected on the bench in a deserted stadium, cut from the "recovering people" squad. In reality, I know that no one "fails" recovery; that relapsing into alcohol, drug, food, relationship, or sexual addiction does not negate the spiritual yards gained while clean, sober or abstinent. According to the information in "How it Works," the only folks who fail are those who are constitutionally unable to be honest with themselves and others. I do not want to be that person who "fails." I value honesty and think of myself as an honest person. Yet I know that all my life I have kept secrets from myself and others. I was taught to do that as a survival tool in my addictive family. My recovery journey has been a passage from hoarding truth to sharing secrets. I have always felt better when I have shared both soul darkness and soul light. The Program teaches the tools of truth-seeking (working the Steps), but the legacy of my family ("Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel") is always present. I do not want to die of my addictive diseases out of loyalty to the values of my family of origin. But losing membership in my family of origin also feels like dying. When I was growing up, honesty was revered but not practiced. I was taught many surface lessons on telling the truth -- that honesty was its own reward, that all truth would be responded to with unconditional love, and that nothing I could do would ever result in losing either parental love or my place in the family. One of the stories I heard repeatedly was George Washington's telling his father the truth about cutting down a cherry tree. I really liked that story, and George's moment of truth always gave me goosebumps. The problem was that when I told my folks what I did -- whether it was breaking a plate or peeing in my pants -- they were angry and ashamed of my actions. When I told them of physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my brother, they told me to "go back and play nicely" and to "not bother" them when they were "busy." When I told them the baby-sitter was leaving us alone in the house, and she scared me by saying, "The bogeyman is going to get you!" they said, "She is in charge of you while we are gone. Obey her." When I told them I was being chased down the block by kids yelling, "Dirty Jew!" they told me to "stay out of the way of those kids." The lesson I learned from these encounters was how to be causally honest -- to only tell the part of the truth that wouldn't upset my parents. In order to do this, I developed finely-tuned co-dependent skills to assess their mood, stance on an issues, and receptivity to talking. Only then would I begin to tell my story. As soon as I sensed turbulence in them, I would write an ending to my truth that was non-upsetting. For example: "My brother's teasing me ... but it's OK. I'm going to my room." "The baby-sitter left us alone last night ... but she came right back." "The kids chased me today ... but I ran faster than they did." Twelve-Step programs have taught me that the truth will set me free, but first I must free the truth. I have to be rigorously honest with myself and others. That involves exploring the dark reaches of my memory, where I have stored the truths I did not dare speak in my family of origin. I have freed some of these truths in the course of my recovery life, such as: Sexual orientation -- My secret of being a lesbian was "under wraps" for a half-century. I knew my sexual orientation from pre-adolescence, but also knew that truth could never be spoken in my family. I came out two years ago to my current family, and three weeks ago to my mother on her death bed. Incest survivor -- Although I have been a therapist for 30 years and undergone psychoanalysis and psychotherapy myself, I waited until a year ago to address my post-traumatic stress disorder and incest issues. It is only recently that I have started writing publicly about being an incest survivor. For most of my life, I suffered from writer's block. Now my muse is flowing freely. I spent more than two-thirds of my life in active addiction. Today I am clean, sober, food abstinent, and in co-dependency recovery. Today I try to practice rigorous honesty one day at a time, and to speak my truth with sensitivity and pride. Copyright 2000 Judy Shepps Battle                    RECOMMENDED READING FROM THE PSYSTORE: Keep It Simple by Anonymous, Hazelden Foundation Our Price: $12.00 "Focusing on the Twelve Steps and basic tools for living without alcohol or other drugs, this book stresses the importance of putting new beliefs into practice. Topics include fellowship, openness, and the value of slogans." -- Book Description For a selection of books on this topic, visit the Psystore. ** All prices subject to change without notice