Are YOU a Closet Wimp?

by Mark Sichel, LCSW

Meet a closet wimp. Call her Ellen*. She's bright, stylish and beautiful. She holds down a responsible job. She's strong and assertive. But when her boyfriend withdraws into television on those quiet evenings together, she suffers in silence because she doesn't want him to think she's too needy. Consider Irene, another closet wimp. She's been seeing Nick for three years, and he's still unable to make a commitment about their future. Instead of voicing her concerns, she keeps quiet. She doesn't want to be seen as too demanding. Then there's Sandi, who hides her achievements at work from her husband because she doesn't want to outshine him and make him feel bad. A pillar of strength at work, but at home - another closet wimp.

What about you? Where do you stand? Are you willing to draw those lines that command respect - even with the man of your dreams? Or do you kick off your shoes when you get home only to tiptoe around his thoughts, his moods or his ballgames? Could you possibly be a closet wimp? Answer the following fifteen questions and take a long, hard look at how you interact with the man in your life. Please print out your copy, take the test, and then refer to the key for your results.

1. Do you bend over backwards - at your own expense - to avoid conflict with him?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

2. Do you fear making reasonable demands for fear he'll think you're needy and pathetic?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

3. Does the man in your life describe assertive women as controlling, while you wince in silence?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

4. Do you accept behavior from him that he'd never tolerate from you?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

5. Do you fear losing your femininity if you become more demanding?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

6. Do you buy into the notion that a real woman puts her needs after her man's?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

7. Does it seem like his job, his time and his friends are more important than yours?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

8. Do you feel you're not an equal partner on a team in your relationship?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

9. Do you try to guess what he might want you to say before speaking?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

10. Do you fear that being courted is either politically incorrect or too much to expect?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

11. Do you downplay or hide your strengths and achievements from the man in your life for fear he'll feel diminished and less of a man?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

12. Do you stop yourself from doing your best, looking your best or being your best for fear he might get angry?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

13. Do you hide aspects of yourself because you want him to think you're perfect?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

14. Do you hesitate to bring up a 'discussion' for fear of spoiling his good mood?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

15. Do you feel that you would be incomplete if you were not involved with a man?
Always
Often
Sometimes
Rarely
Never

Scoring: Give yourself 1 point for every "Always" choice; 2 for "Often"; 3 for "Sometimes"; 4 for "Rarely" and 5 big ones for "Never".

Results:
15 -25 Total Closet Wimp: You need help. Why not try therapy? Or try reading a self-help book. Do what ever you have to do to raise your self-esteem so that you won't settle for a relationship that leaves you less than satisfied!

26 - 35 Classic Closet Wimp: You equate femininity with being compliant and powerless with the man you love! Start to work on your assertiveness and put an end to helpless compliance. Remember that, despite myths to the contrary, men are happier with confident, self-respecting women.

36 - 45 Partial Closet Wimp: You still have fears that assertion will leave you single and lonely, but there are moments when you glimpse the glowing possibilities of being in a relationship of mutual respect. Stop treating yourself as a second class citizen in romance! You deserve first class and don't you forget it!

46 - 55 Recovering Closet Wimp: Still caught in the middle but don't worry, you're on your way! You still sometimes act the way you were taught little girls ought to act - sugar and spice and everything nice. But don't be afraid to use less sugar and more spice in the recipe! Red hot pepper flakes can be very feminine!

56 - 65 Rare Closet Wimp: You're doing great! You may give a little here or there, but at this point in your life, it's easier to spot a three-toed sloth on the subways of Manhattan than to find you allowing a man to take advantage of your good nature!

66 - 75 Congratulations! No closet wimp here! Stand tall and be proud! You are heading for a relationship filled with love and respect - if you're not already there!

*The names of all clients have been changed to protect their identities.




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